I have lived close to my place of work and the Melbourne CDB for close to four years, so I have not had to battle daily with the constant grind of traffic that many must face. However thanks to my insatiable lust for My Little Pony Dolls, I have had to take up some part time work as a delivery driver and in my time between deliveries I have come to know the pain that many drivers face on a daily basis.
So for those you have heard tales involving tricky traffic situations, pedestrian perils and fender fables, the following points may ring true:
- If you hit the pedestrian crossing button exactly 100 times, a magical bridge will open over the road.
- If you are waiting for traffic lights to change and rev your engine to hit over 80 decibels, the lights will become nervous thereby changing for your benefit.
- If you drive closely enough to the car in front of you, the car will give you a piggie back to where ever you are going.
- If you honk your horn for long enough at another car, the god of war, Ares, will be impressed with your display of rage and swallow up that car in a randomly appearing sink hole.
- If you drive fast enough on the freeway, a worm hole will open up and transport you to an alternative universe where time and mortality are redundant.
- If you stop and help an attractive woman with her flat tire or ineffective automobile, she will promptly have sex with you by the road side.
- If you are riding a bike and you ring your bell, everybody within a 10km radius will hear you and crowds will part like the Red Sea.
- If you make a three point turn into a nine point turn, you spend less time in hell ie. three times less.
- If you drive in someone’s blind spot for long enough, you will actually become invisible and greed will consume your soul while it becomes the property of Sauron.
- If you merge without indicating, you will assimilate into traffic like the blob and become a conglomerate, hell bound on taking over the world.
Play friendly and safely kids.
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